IV. The Young Master Thompson

A priest, a camera, and a dinosaur. Though it may sound to some like the makings of a bad joke, it was to the adult Wyandotte Thompson a horrifying reality. But before Wyandotte was an adult, he was adolescent. Before he was an adolescent, he was a child. Before he was a child, he was a baby. And before he was a baby—well, that’s going back too far, and is irrelevant besides.
Growing up on his grandmother’s dust farm in Cheyenne, Wyoming, the young Wyandotte Thompson spent his summer days tilling the dry, arid Wyoming soil and choking on soot that such tilling kicked into the air. While the summer nights of other youths were often spent pursuing such typical Wyoming pastimes as cow-yodeling, marm-sitting, and not-being-Canadian-really-we-swear, Wyandotte spent his summer nights reading outside under the star-lit sky and a book light. His subject of choice?
“Dinosaurs!” a six-year-old Wyandotte would shout, while a more mature Wyandotte (aged ten or older) would merely say it.
While his parents—Christian fundamentalist missionaries who selflessly wanted to live their lives and globetrot without the burden of a child—were much chagrined when they eventually learned of their only son’s love of “Satan’s little illusions”, Wyandotte’s grandmother took a different approach.

She encouraged Wyandotte’s hobby, his thirst for knowledge regarding the planet’s occupants before man—and so supplied him with as many books as she could on the subject of dinosaurs. On his fifteenth birthday, she gave to him the book that would change the trajectory of his life up to this point:
The official biography of one Brachiosaur B. Brachiosaur, the world’s only living, genuine dinosaur.

 V. A History Lesson

Mr. Brachiosaur B. Brachiosaur, or just “Brachiosaur” for short, was indeed a dinosaur and had been one since as far back as anyone could remember. As a matter of fact, he happened to be the world’s only currently known living dinosaur, and what a shrewd dinosaur he was.

Found in a glacier in 1910 by the famous explorer Cedric B. Willickers and thawed in 1915, he was taken first to Britain, where he was to be placed in a Dickensian workhouse and/or dissected by crazed scientists. Months later, though, Brachiosaur was transferred to the United States on the orders of President Woodrow Wilson. To Wilson’s way of thinking, all children should be reunited with their parents, regardless of their race. In this way, the good president had also saved Brachiosaur from the scientists of the world, as Wilson’s involvement in the young dinosaur’s life touched the public. Soon, everyone viewed Brachiosaur as a person and not just some prehistoric play-thing to be dissected and studied.

Though he tried his best, Woodrow Wilson could not locate Brachiosaur’s parents—even in the face of the biggest lost-and-found milk carton picture campaign in history. As a result, Brachiosaur was put into an American orphanage shortly thereafter.

This would have likely daunted any other dinosaur, but not Brachiosaur. No, Brachiosaur B. Brachiosaur (the “B.” stood for “Brachiosaur”) quickly worked his way up from a lowly newsy to a multi-billionaire by 1935. According to the official biography, this was largely for two reasons.

First, Brachiosaur had, as a newsy, started a friendship with the economist Spendthrift McGilligan. In spite of Spendthrift’s mismanagement of his own money—including, but not limited to, the several-thousand dollar acquisition of a cancer-causing Uranium penny that McGilligan kept in his pocket—the economist had given Brachiosaur a great deal of good financial advice.

Second, Brachiosaur had won a civil case in 1934 called “Brachiosaur Versus America,” in which it was decided that Brachiosaur should receive royalties from all dinosaur-related products for the rest of his natural life.

The “Brach” made good. He was never out of the public eye after.